Height Matters When You're Dating

Height matters! It really does. No matter how cute a guy is if he is only up to my eyebrows..there is not a chance that my cousin will consider him for a "second date". We are all tall women in our family. So you can just imagine how much teasing and ribbing a family member has to endure if she brings home a date that is 5'6 and below....yup! We are that tall. Some would say it doesn't matter...But to us its a factor. I mean for my cousin it diminishes their masculinity in some weird way. Or sometimes we feel like a freak ourselves you know. I mean they would like look at us as if we have legs that go on for eternity or simply look at our necks longer than usual or at our arms..whereas I on the other hand, I definitely do not find that cute in anyway. So, one day I told my cousin who has this bad habit of making me go on dates..to whoever she sees or at least thinks will be compatible with me...I said I wouldn't hesitate to break his bones if I had to...yeah...I was in a sour mood....my food wasn't tops and it just irks me when a guy is like a girl out on a first date...I said.."Hey, listen...(in my most calm voice that I could muster amidst gritted teeth..I'm really tired...and not happy with my food...so if you don't stop looking at me..I will not hesitate to "fork" your eyes...Okay roughly I meant gouge his eyes!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! The guy turned pale and behaved himself...Again, my bad. I can't help it. My hand could easily grapple his throat..and this guy even accused me of playing "hard to get". Trust my dry, wry sense of humor to step in along with my ready rebuttal..."So what am I then a ball????" I am in no way that! After that, I swore off dating anyone my cousin recommended!!! Ugh!! It was sheer agony!!! His hands were smaller than mine..If I walked he had to walk faster to catch up, and if I stood really straight I would completely tower over him. So totally not right.....hahahahhaha.

One of my male friends was very good looking...but he kind of lacked the height. So I thought we were cool just by being friends...we were up until such time he thought we should "take it up a notch" and try being in a relationship. No offense meant, I knew most of my girl friends had a big crush on him..and I probably was like sore thumb sticking out for not liking him beyond the level of friendship which probably annoyed him endlessly..you always want what you couldn't have...just like that pint of ice cream I've always wanted to have....the guy was nice and really such a sweetheart....but I have my rules...and my rules are no guys below 5'8. Nope nope nope!!!!!! At the back of my head I was always terrified...ok I've had dreams..that I would end up with a short guy....I would even wake up screaming!!!! Nooooooooooooooo like a blood curdling scream of a banshee in the dead of the night. I have nothing against short men. I wouldn't mind having them as friends....but for me they're simply not boyfriend material..Not in my book at least.

So if a short guy starts to court me..I would immediately play the "friend card". That way I wouldn't have to use the line "Its not you, its me". Very cliche. I know. Its like having an anesthesia..You know without it, it will hurt..So a pinch will do.

Looks Are Not What It Seems

There, there...I just posted an image of a female nerd. There are some women who are really nice nerds you know. HOWEVER, there some those who use this as a disguise to mask their true identity...now how did I come up with that??? Well, I happen to know one! Actually TWO!! HAHAHAHA!! One was a classmate of mine back in highschool..She wore these outrageously long uniforms and she had buck teeth and a pair of eyeglasses that just won't quit! I always thought she would be working in a lab or in some office where your only form of interaction with the outside world is through email or ym. NOT!!!!! My geeky classmate has thrown her red eyeglasses in favor of "colored" contact lenses...why it had to be colored...I am still dumbfounded...and her clothes revealed a lot more skin...too much skin...and too much of a vision that leaves very little to the imagination...if it was cholesterol you would be probably be having a heart attack by now!! Ok so let's go back in time....I always thought it was cool to have a nerdy friend...but when we had a senior's ball it just opened my eyes that my goody two shoes friend...was suffering from "raging hormones"!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh yes! You see, I fortunately (although I must admit he was ok to look at but! For the love of life!!! Do not make him SPEAK!) had a very good looking escort to the ball. Who in his own way kind of hated me coz I had this let's get this over and done with attitude...c'mon who the hell would want to dance in an itchy terno anyways???? My bad. So my ordeal was finally over...and as we waited for my ride..I saw nerdy girl..approach my escort..and coyly...REALLY!!! asked him in this girly voice which made my hair stand on its end and my skin have goose bumps.....she goes "sooo are you going somewhere pa??" as she moved in closer the way a cat would rub itself next to a tree!!! Oh by the way, she even smiled..brimming retainer clad teeth and eyes batting....like betty boop..ICK!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe, we girls are kind of territorial..or maybe because I'm a dog lover so I kind of developed the habit....so I said...As a matter of fact..YES. He is my responsibility so this weird wacko is coming with us..so we can make sure he won't give his mom any problems with the girls! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!! I love being a killjoy!! Doused with icy cold water!!!! You think nerdy girl gave up? HELL NO! When she saw him again in my house...she took the opportunity to sit ON the armchair of my single sofa coz the guy was sitting there already. It was such a creepy sight!!!! Terrified that I will never hear the end of the lecture from my mom if she sees her in such a position...again I told her...Lots of chairs here dear...and let's not declare the obvious shall we? You having the hots for my dance partner is not going to sit well with Hitler's alter ego otherwise known as MY MOM. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So nerdy girl became beet red and scuttled to the nearby chair.

See the point is..women like her..look goody two shoes...like this officemate..she would be really sweet...and slowly worm her way into a guy's life...forget the fact that she's married..but she would subtly flirt...turning on that sweet charm of hers. Well, I am not the only one who saw this happen and unfold before our eyes...there were several eyes...and include a nose please...coz her husband was on to her! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Serves her right!! I mean hellooooo!!! Why get married if you need some sense of affirmation that you can still flirt with others right??? Better be single and do as you please...well here's a juicy tidbit...they all got a lashing out from her husband who came home from abroad!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! If I were the husband, I would REPLACE her with a gorgeous lass from the province...make her green with envy!!! Let her simmer in her own tub of lard...after all she could certainly put a great deal of her body cholesterol to good use!!!! Like I said ladies, looks are not what it seems...so fine tune your noses!!! And look at your mates straight in the eye...if they flinch or they ramble on endlessly or they have this faraway look....better give them a good kick to bring them back to reality.HAHAHAHAHA

Matters of the Heart - Medical Transcriptionist Style

It was a typical saturday night..Everybody got in touch with each other for a few round of drinks and to have our usual talk about our respective lives. So as we got settled in our favorite table..we all wondered whaever happened to one of our drinking buddies. Out of the blue..he came into the bar..cheeks all red and eyes glaring...this look was coming from the guy who texted us early this week as in wednesday to remind us we would have our drinks this saturday..so what gives right??? Apparently he had an argument with ANOTHER guy because of his GIRLFRIEND..who used to be married and who got separated and now has a second man in her life who is an absolute weirdo!! As for our friend he is also walking the thin line between sanity and absolute craziness...Falling for someone EASILY and not even knowing half of what is really going on in her life is a recipe for disaster. To make matters worse, the girl decides to stay out of it. Our friend ended up getting chewed alive by the other guy and by the parents..who probably didn't know he EXISTED. Tough!! I never though that guy would be like some love sick puppy..but HE IS!!! He even asked us to stop by at the nearest convenience store when we were supposed to bring him home. He even bought a couple of beers. He even told us HE WAS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD CRY.. For the love of life! I had to slap my forehead!! This guy is absolutely BLINDED with a capital B! By what? I do not have the faintest idea.

Come next morning, he wanted to leave Metro Manila to leave everything behind..Naturally I engaged in an endless debacle as to why he shouldn't go and why he should stay. I've always known to have an acerbic tongue..so as much as I could I think carefully first of the words I am saying to my friends...the poor guy wanted to CRY again!! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!! I cannot believe it!! I would understand if she was MS. UNIVERSE. or if they love struck teen-agers...Bloody hell no!! They're in their mid thirties and ugh! Its just terrible..Creepy to some extent...but what I can say...in as much as I'm not a big fan of the "L' word...he is in LOVE. And I must say people do get crazy when they're in love. As if it generates a chemical reaction that absolutely disrupts the normalcy in one's life. Now one will probably wonder...was he hiding under a rock to have come up most recently to get enmeshed into some kind of domestic squabble? I don't know...he just get on going to this medical transcription classes and before we knew it...he was seeing things in rose colored glasses. Yup, the kid who used to be ballistic at the slightest provocation has become goofy and smitten!! Ick!!

Finally during the latter part of the day, he has decided to stay. GOOD DECISION!! I mean, if the relationship can't work, then by all means cry your heart out if you must..ONLY if you must. If not, hey...nothing beats good old choco mint icecream with choco bits and lots of smooth crushed ice!! TOTALLY DIVIIINEEEEE!!!!!! Beats any first date by a mile!!! But then again, maybe that's just me...I've always liked ice cream! Can't say the same thing for the opposite sex.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Off to the ice cream parlor I go.

The Art of Domesticating Me..Batangueño Style

My mom thought I was turning out to be the Sagittarian that I am...a free spirited type who was crazy about the outdoors..who wanted to board a ship in spite of looming storm in the name of a conference I had organized...so she thought I was beginning too bellingerent for her own comfort...she reminded me that a "good woman" was not only smart, nice, and funny but she had to be "domesticated" as well..As if she forgot how she made me clean the entire backyard of my father's ancestral home. Made me pull the wild weeds with my bare hands and made me clean the cars, etc...well I suppose she has blocked that from her memory...coz she banished me to Batangas in the guise of an R&R...though she clearly whispered..time to let do the "House Chores". Hah! I knew it...Well she did say I'm smart...and so I have decided to bring along a friend who had the "hots" for my best friend whose house we were meant to stay at Batangas. Even though I may mom and I are at loggerheads from time to time I kind of miss her crazy antics...so when I was in the middle of the highway and my bestfriend and my classmate were making "goo goo" eyes at each other...Yuck! I told them...HEY!!! I WANT TO GO BACK!! NOWWWW!!!! And I stood up and I couldn't care less if I had to walk a mile....my best friend seeing my steely gaze told me...Oh grow up!! There's a cell site there...Stop being a child!! Of course..that was enough to make me turn on to him my anger...Me? A child??? Did you just say I am being such a child???? My bestfriend gulped for dear life...and as he mustered enought guts managed to squeak out...its a vacay bestfriend...chillll!!!!" I stomped and went back to my seat and said Chill my ass you two!!!!! So as I begrudgingly watched the scenic views pass me by one after the other...I realized the house chores that lie ahead...and as I glanced at the two human lovebirds wannabes an idea hit me as if a lightbulb was turned on!!! So as we reached our destination..I waited for our room assignments and plopped onto the bed assisgned to me...I slept like a baby...and woke up to see the face of my classmate watching as I sleep!!!! "What the...expletive expletive..are you doing????!!!!!!!!!!!" I almost jumped out of my bed! She goes I was just watching you sleep!! The hell I need watching! I am sleeping not comatose!!!! So I snarled and gnarled...and went downstairs and wolfed down the breakfast...then she slowly crept up to me as I started to the "household chores"....she said...let me do that...let me do this..and then it occured to me this friend of mine wanted to impress the mom!!!" I chuckled to myself and muttered and pretented dismay..But my mom said........and she goes just tell her you did it...hahahahahahhah..well, well, well...in the name of love...she would huff and puff like a good old wolf..doing all my chores...as for yours truly..I had a blast...it was fiesta season back then so I hopped from one house to another and had my fill of all the goodies laid out before me...there was even a blackout...Ahh...but food is food...Even a flicker of a candle proved to be my best ally as I continued to eat...much to my bestfriend's embarassment...but what did I care...I was full..My palate was satisfied to the brim...and for someone who was sent out to the province as if my mom was sending a cow to pasture...I am blissfully content!! HAHAHAHAHA!! LIfe is sweet after all...

Prim and Proper Teachers...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was in elementary I followed my teachers' instructions down to the last letter. I would cry buckets of tears if my mom was not able to follow the things that my teacher wanted to buy for a project. If my teacher said something it felt like it was straight out of a very important covenant..welll when you're in elementary adults seem to look like the great wizards of all time...but like any put on stance...you eventually realize its just all for show...you find out about it in a very weird and ridiculous but hilarious way...at least to me it was hilarios and it was like they most certainly had it coming...hah! Imagine making me memorize all those food groups! As if I espoused my intentions for the food industry!! I love to eat..but to cook...not so enthusiastic about it..but fortunately I am a pretty good cook though not a very willing one. Sorry had to digress...going back...let's talk about my mom and my teachers in elementary..one of them became my godmother...dear me!! My mom thought having a PE teacher for a godmother would do wonders for me....It all started when I started to eat lunch at the faculty room...Ahhh there was my music teacher who looked like a plain jane and pretty geeky..who you thought probably has never gone beyond a first date...But then..to my horror she started shedding her geeky appearance and started to blabber animatedly about a guy she dated and their "Movie Date"....HAHAHAHAHA!!! As I was consuming my food, I felt the urge to drink water endlessly lest the food come out of my nose and my ears because I felt a strong jolt hit me! Then it struck me...so much for the prim and proper stance they exude...I liked my "other" PE teacher better..she was gung ho and what you see is what you get..too bad her son did not inherit her traits. He was a scraggly skinny boy..I will bet my small pinkie finger that he's either a cartoonist now or a writer...better off working behind the scenes..but let's give him some credit..his english was impeccable and so were his drawings...as a person...kind of funny in a weird way..loves to spoof aliens...but a chick magnet? NAAAAAHHHH Not a slim chance my dear. HEHEHEH!! So on to my other two teachers...My mom invited them to our party even though I begged her not to..I got a sample of the geek gone flirty remember? And it sure as hell gave me the chills!!! Creepy!!! Ick!!! So the ladies arrived...and they wined and dined...yatta yatta yatta....As they became helplessly inebriated the shocking revelation unraveled before my very eyes....my Ninang (godmother) was babbling about how much she loves my "Tito" ...Of course she had to compete with my piano teacher and whole lotta women....what can I say the guy was a darn good looker..but his fingers were stubby..(That's another story) so she was mouthing those almost incomprehensible words and pauses every now and then as if she was going to blow (God forbid! If the celphone video was in vogue back then I would upload her video without batting an eyelash! I don't think she can expel me for that! HEHEHEHE) Then like a lone wolf on top of a mountain on a cold chilly night...she howled....er...screamed rather...Boooobbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! I loveeee youuuuuuu Boobbbbyyyyyyy!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! It was so hilarious...I saw everything as I snuck out to watch her and her wild antics on full display...(remember I was banished to the bedroom at 9...well my mom forgot..I could always sneak out and the divider...was an excellent cover. Hah bet you didn't know that Mom! May she rest in peace) .... Then my Home Economics class teacher..ever the silent well poised one...goesss.....Allloouuuuu ano ba yaaaaannn???? (Alou what is that????) Then you'll know they are too drunk for good measure coz they started to crawl like Lizards on our living room!!!!! To make matters worse, my blue eyed Tito...he attended the party....ahahahahahahaahaha...and my fatsy of a piano teacher was there....Oh wow so many women too little time! Let's call her Duday...Duday loved Bobby...but then again she knew she didn't have a chance..ahahahahaha quick thinking...Duday had the lips of someone who wanted to have the puckers of Angelina Jolie...POST OP...so use your imagination...Fat and short haired...and very strict...(love the piano, hate the teacher!) Then Alouuu in her drunken stupor hurled herself to Bobby...and said Roberttooooo!! AHAHAHAHAHAHHA!! My tito..who looked as if he wanted to pass out of humiliation or the smell of her stinkin' breath...cigarette and liquor notwithstanding..actually I don't know if he wanted the earth to swallow him for both reasons...but he removed her arms that was latched on to him and in his most gallant and subdued voice though I could tell he was reeling...totally pissed and all said "alou, you're drunk you don't know what you're saying.....and Alou...stop it...You're not my type please!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Now ain't that one good lookin' snob????? And after hearing that Alou passed out...and Vicky...after witnessing the humiliation of her friend and co-teacher's manifestation of undying love..was too stunned...her mouth open...her eyes darting from my tito to her friend...she clung to the edges of the sofa if they were on a training at NASA for space exploration....and then...with nary a word...she passed out. Two prim and proper teachers...In embarassing conditions...sprawled on our living room...reeking of liquor and cigarette smell...and in true drunken fashion...they snored!! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!

By the way, this ninang of mine was one teacher who told my mom that I couldn't catch up with her class coz I didn't have a book...(What can I do..photocopiers were still not a dime a dozen during those days..) and my ever gracious mom told me that right in front of everyone...of course I was stunned and angry!!! I locked myself up in the bathroom and cursed to the high heavens!!! Ok I nearly tore off the flush of the toilet coz I was upset! Then I promised myself I would really dig up some dirt on this woman...who was so insensitive...who had such a very unbecoming nature...her Principal and co-teachers would have cringed at her sight...So being the elementary student that I was...I collected myself and dusted myself off..and stormed off and faced them...the tipsy, the drunk, the heartbroken and the bewildered...and in true indignant fashion I said...I CAN'T CATCH UP??? WELL HEADS UP!!!! YOU CAN'T STAND UP YOU INCORRIGIBLE DRUNK!!!! AND YOU HAVE A LOVER....TAKE THAT DUMDUM!!!! (that's how I referred to dumbness back then...I must have conjured that up after hearing dumdum lots of times on tv! ) Hmm I thought dumb is too strong a word...let's soften it up..so dumdum it is..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And that is how we never came to speaking terms again...so you could just imagine how early I got started with my acerbic tongue! So from then on...my teachers have fallen off the pedestal...off their white horses...They, to me are just as human and crazy as any Tom, Dick or Harry when they are out of their wits. As for my mom..trust her to come up with a real knockout of a line...now do you believe me that they're not perfect??? And I just looked at my mom and said you bet!!

Employee Nightmare- The Octopus

Filipinos are incredibly resilient. Imagine a day in the life of an employee..waking up at such an early hour..some wake up as early as four (good heavens..I am still in lala land at that time). and cooking and getting the day started! What if they have kids? Make that 2 to 4 kids? Pandemonium can break loose any minute with a bevy of emotions and personalities all enmeshed in one house. Let's assume they got past round one: the morning rituals come round two: its time to hit the road. A typical employee would have to commute and brave the elements. Walk amidst a sea of bodies all rushing as well.. Go and catch a ride..endure the trip..bad for you if you're sitting next to a sweaty human being who believes that taking a regular bath my deplete their natural oils so they skip a bath or two! HAHAHAHAHA!! Need I say that a gas mask is essential nowadays? To keep your sanity and your innards from doing 360 degree turns in your stomach from the stench brought about by cramped space with bodies of varying proportions. So as an employee alights from a jeep and proceeds to go up the steep MRT steps he or she is met by a long queue of people all sweaty and grumpy early in the morning and some are even half awake and half asleep at that!!!! If you think that your deo soap can keep you smelling fresh all day...guess again! NOT!!!!!! So on to the MRT coach its body slammin' time again... gives one the opportunity to feel like a pack of sardines. So let's say that an employee has finally arrived at her destination: THE OFFICE. Ahh the relief a nice cool aircon can bring...makes the trip worthwhile...Suddenly..your boss walks in barking out his orders one after another. One can't help but mutter...I am not an Octopus!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! Only an octopus can do that!!! And pray do tell what does a boss have to say...if you are not in your proper frame of mind one would say the most insane things....how about Of course I know you're not an octopus! I am not six years old not to know that you are not an octopus!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! Only in the Philippines ladies and gentlemen! Only in the Philippines! Amidst the pollution, the snail pace run of the vehicles, the cramped spaces in the MRT and the many people you run into it simply makes the trip worth it. Another ordinary day..The usual employee nightmare! And the boss thinks people are talking about them!! Who wouldn't?? AFter all...the lady is not six years old anymore...hahahahahhha

Mr. Talking Paunchy Pig

That's how my former boss looked like as he hollered at me from his pool asking for his phone. As I was trying to put some files together this guy has the temerity to call me out as if I am his chamber maid. So off to the pool I go and as I was about to hand him his mobile phone...could this be how cartoonists get their inspirations from daily life? Look at this man..floating around in his pool...high waisted swimming trunks and an ass that totally defies gravity and a stomach that is like a huge mailbag waiting to explode...plus...the toe...oh get a load of this he's got a wart to boot!!! Eeeeewwwww!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Yes, ladies this one has a plantar wart for all the world to see. Imagine if you were thrown into that pool!! Ick!

This guy can talk for HOURS!! He could very well be a replacement for any talk show host..One problem though..he wouldn't be an interesting media fodder..All he talks about is himself..Even in decision making..he is known to say I had a meeting with me, myself and I. Duuhhhh...Where has world gone to?

I for one thing find it distracting that everytime we would have meetings he would pull up his pants...Very much like humpy dumpty! Oh and at one point he even wore pants that matched his sofa's red upholstery..At least now we know how a joker would have looked like if he gained weight!! And of course let's not forget the bow tie. Please..that one is the ultimate accessory for him. Seeing him as an eyesore is a pain already...Hearing him blabber endlessly is pure torture!! Try listening to him when you're eating..now THAT is a sure appetite pooper...Yup! The guy is capable of showering your food with his saliva...as he speaks animatedly! So what's our solution..Nothing much except we race to the farthest chair as much as possible and wolf down our meal before he could even begin talking!!

But what I truly find amusing is that this guy...in his fat ass splendor believes he could take a woman's heart by storm! Oh yes! He thinks he is an incredibly good looking man...Truly this guy needs to see a mirror pronto!!! He feels that just because he's got fair skin it won't be obvious that he hasnt bathed in DAYS or his breath can kill mosquitoes in a flash! Come to think of it..so that's probably what happened to the mosquito flying around in his room!! HAHAHAHAHA!! And if we see him looking as if he took a bath when he has only been in the bathroom for a few minutes...then he used this sticky, smelly, pomade...Reminds us of those men who love to wear pomade back in the old days! I'm sure if a lizard dropped on his head it would look as if it was skiing in the swiss alps!!! HAHAAAHAHA!! Will tell you more about him in my next blog!!